The Savior

With Mitt Romney running for President more attention has been brought to my religion - for better or worse. Let me first say that I do not anymore believe that all Mormon's should vote for Mitt just because he's a Mormon as strongly as I believe that others should not vote for Mitt because he is a Mormon. In other words, I believe that everyone (Mormon's and non-Mormon's alike) should vote, or not vote, for him based on whether they believe he is who will best lead the country. That's the only political statement I care to make on this post.

One item that has been brought into question by people of other faiths is our belief in Jesus Christ. Some say we are not Christians and don't believe in Christ, others say we believe in a different Jesus. While I cannot speak for my church I can say that everything I believe in, and have been so taught by my church, is that Jesus Christ is the only begotten of the Father, our Redeemer. The Jesus I believe in Atoned for my sins, as well as those of everyone who has ever walked the earth or who ever will. The Jesus I believe in suffered for all my pains and sorrows in the Garden of Gethsemane - of this I have gained a very personal and real testimony this past year as my health has changed. The Jesus I believe in knows how to succor those that stand in need. He has done this so many times during this. The Jesus I believe in died on the cross for all mankind and was resurrected the 3rd day. The Jesus I believe in lives and stands at the right hand of the Father. The Jesus I believe in has given me so much comfort and peace - most especially in my most difficult trials.

I believe in the hope, peace, comfort, joy, love, understanding, and justice the Savior brings. Though we all have our trials all can and will be made right - it may not be in this lifetime but it will come. I believe in a fair and just God. I know that though my health may or may not be restored in this life it will all be okay in the eternities. I don't know how that will happen but I have a strong faith that it will.

I am so grateful for my testimony of the Savior and for the peace and comfort that has given me. It has helped and sustained me through my trials. I look forward to the day when I can stand at the judgement bar of the Savior and personally thank Him for all He has done for me.

The Sacrament

Well it's been forever since I've updated this site. One of my goals for this year is to do this much more often. I have a lot of updating to do but this post is going to be about recent events - I'll fill in some gaps on a later post. This past Sunday I was awoken to my phone ringing at 5:30 am - never a good sign when you get calls at that time. It was Jesse calling to tell me my mom had been taken to the hospital by ambulance and they were both there. I immediately got up, took a quick shower and left. Well that's not entirely true - right before I left I called and woke up the two Elders (Missionaries) serving in my Ward and asked them to say a prayer with me over the phone. Elder Dobbins was kind enough to do so. That always helps give me a sense of peace. My mom had gotten up in the middle of the night feeling really sick to her stomach and the room was spinning. She then started having severe chest pains and that's when she called for Jesse, he came downstairs and they called 911. I got to the hospital and they were busy doing various tests. Around 9am I got the strong impression I should go to a nearby congregation of my church and take the Sacrament. The Sacrament is what my church does every Sunday in remembrance of Jesus Christ. We partake of bread and water in remembrance of his flesh and blood that He so willingly gave for us. The local congregation was meeting at 10am and was only a mile away from the hospital we were at. I wasn't dressed how I would normally be for church but I went anyway. The administration of the bread and water only takes about 10-15 minutes and then the rest of the meeting is after that. I only stayed for the taking of the Sacrament. In those short minutes that I was there I had the most overwhelming feeling of peace come over me. It's an indescribable feeling unless you've actually felt it. I wish there was a way to bottle that feeling and drink from it always. I went back to the ER right after that. I hadn't missed anything, the doctor came in shortly after I came back. My mom was admitted (reluctantly on her part...).

So often during my illness I've had I have peace given to me in various ways and times. I'm not going to pretend that I'm always feeling peaceful - I am not. This has been hard. Last month marked 1 year since this whole ordeal started for me. So many things in my life have changed as a result. I'm currently taking a little "break" from going to the doctor's. I just need it mentally. It's only been a few weeks since I've had an appointment but I'm not sure I went a week with out an appointment at any time last year. I am sure I'll go back again soon. I have kind of been in a holding pattern the past few weeks. I don't have good pain days anymore but I haven't had too bad of a pain day in a few weeks. I'm just at a moderate level. It's uncomfortable and it's painful but it's also at a level that's allowing me to go to work and occasionally do some other things.

Saturday night (the night before my mom's ER visit) I was texting with a friend. We were actually talking about fear, peace, anxiety, etc. I told her about part of a scripture that I have on my upstairs wall right at the top of my staircase. It is
2 Timothy 1:7 it reads "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I read that every day before I leave my house. I said if it isn't God that gave us the spirit of fear who is it? The answer of course is Satan. He's the one trying to make us feel unsettled. God gave us power, love and a sound mind. I originally put this scripture up when I had Sister Missionaries living with me and there was one that really needed to read that daily. After she left I thought I would leave it up for myself.

I don't know where my illness is going to take me. I don't know what's in store or what the future holds. I do know that whatever the outcome I'll be okay. I don't know if that okay means physically, I just know I have the peace that comes from only one source. How grateful I am to be able to have that knowledge and the opportunity of taking the Sacrament each week.

Happy New Year!!!

I realize I'm technically 6 months off on my title but I've had a goal for the last couple months that July 1st was going to mark my starting to get healthier. It is the first day of the second half of the year. I was starting to doubt that was going to happen when just a week before the 1st I ended up in the ER again. It was again because of severe pain, it was the area of my surgery. I was actually in more pain that visit than I was when I went in and was hospitalized for my gallbladder!! Turned out to just be really bad post-surgical pain.

Since then I have actually started to get better though. I'm still far away from being 100% but yesterday and today I actually put in 8 hours of work each day! I hadn't been able to do that all year. I'm tired, and sore, but the pain hasn't been unbearable. Yesterday my pain never got above about a 5 (on my up to 10 pain scale). Today is a little worse, maybe a 6 - 6 1/2 but I can live with that. It's uncomfortable but it's not completely disabling like when it starts to get to 7 and above. Also, just this week I've started to be able to eat semi-normal again. The past month or so I've only been able to eat very plain things; chicken, rice, potatoes, bananas, etc. I still have to eat low-fat or it hurts right away, but I'm branching out.

Lately I have been reflecting a lot on all my many blessings. There are so, so many things to be grateful out there. I could probably post a blog just dedicated to that (maybe I will!). Thinking about all my blessings has made me realize where I believe the true source of all the blessings, and healing, I've received have come from. That is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Prior to this ordeal I didn't really fully appreciate that The Atonement covers not just our sins (for those who truly repent), and the resurrection of our bodies someday,  but also is a means of sending comfort and aide to us in all our afflictions, trials, and sorrows. I truly have felt this power when sometimes I've been in too much pain to be able to handle it on my own and I've turned to prayer. I've felt comfort and seen blessings, not necessarily in relief of pain, but of comfort and peace that can only be provided by heavenly intervention. There is a quote I really like from a talk given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. It reads:

"Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a “healing” cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are “healed” by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us."

How true that is! Right now I am feeling some of the "burden being lifted" but more importantly I have been given so much more strength, understanding, and patience through this trial. I realize that I am still day-to-day and that I could wake up tomorrow in a ton of pain. If that happens I'll still be grateful though for this time that my pain has been reduced to a manageable level and I know that it will happen again.

Again, Happy New Year! I hope the second half of this year is a great one for us all!!!

Sleepless in the Suburbs

It's been a while since my last update. I've been working an average of about 30 hours a week (mixed between in office and home) and it's taken everything out of me. Slowly I've felt like I was getting better. Then a week ago last Saturday happened. I kind of over did it that day and by that night I was in pretty severe pain. I missed church for the first time in over a month. Last week was one of my worst pain weeks. I really had trouble sleeping with all the pain. Wednesday night I didn't sleep at all. I tried everything but the pain won that night. I had to cancel my physical therapy appointment for the next morning as I was in too much pain to do that. Getting through work last Thursday and Friday was extremely difficult. I was really struggling. I talked to one of the sets of Sisters sometime during that time and they reminded me of a talk another set of Sisters had recently given to me. It's called "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread". It's by Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. It was given at a CES Fireside for young adults in January. In it he talked about the children of Israel and when they were in the wilderness and were provided manna every day. They were only given enough to get them through one day. By doing that they had to put their trust in the Lord that He would provide again the next day and it also always kept Him on their mind. He related some other stories as well. One about Navy Seals going through training and how difficult and painful it was. Their leader would often tell them not to focus on what they still had to do but only focus on getting through what they needed to right then. One quote was "Take it one day at a time....Don't look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day." I love that quote! I'm thinking about printing that and hanging it in my house so that I can look at it especially on the really bad days.

Another story was of a woman going through chemo and she was telling her mother that she just couldn't do it 16 more times. Her mother responded by asking her if she could do it today. She responded she could. Then her mother said that's all you have to do. You just have to make it through today.

Talking about the Lord's prayer and the part that says "Give us this day our daily bread" Elder Christofferson says "I believe that we would all readily acknowledge that we have needs each day that we want our Heavenly Father's help in dealing with. For some, one some days, it is quite literally bread - that is, the food needed to sustain life that day. It could also be spiritual and physical strength to deal with one more day of chronic illness or a painfully slow rehabilitation. In other cases it may be less tangible needs, such as things related to one's obligations or activities in that day - teaching a lesson or taking a test, for example."

I really liked this talk and am grateful to the Sisters for reminding me of it. It does help me to better focus on each day at hand.

I was still in a lot of pain through this past weekend and unfortunately missed church once again. I really don't like missing it - especially not two Sunday's in a row. A friend from church was going to give me a ride that morning and when she called I told her I wasn't able to make it. She then said she would bring me dinner that night. She called that afternoon and then offered to send one of her kids over to pick me up and bring me to her house for dinner. She thought I could probably use to see something other than my four walls. She was so right. I was in pain and stayed pretty medicated but I was also feeling very frustrated and somewhat discouraged that my pain was so severe for so long. I had thought I was getting better and then to have a week like that was just really hard. It's often said that Heavenly Father blesses you through others and that was true on Sunday. I didn't even realize how much I needed to get out and see people until I was there. I was still in a ton of pain but they were very accommodating and I was able to relax while I was there. It was really nice to spend time with such good people and not just be focused on my pain. Thank you to the Sherman family!!!

I have lots of people to be thankful for. I'm grateful for all those who either come and help do things for me around the house, those that call, text, visit, or pray for me. I feel very blessed despite all that is happening.

Good days and not so good days...

Last week was amazing! Monday through Thursday I had 4 really good pain days. My pain level never got above a 7 during that time. Truly a blessing! I've been back up to severe pain this week but having those few days of lesser pain felt so good, I am truly grateful! A good friend of mine sent me a card in the mail last week. It had a quote in it that I absolutely love. I don't know who said it but the quote is "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting." What a cool quote! I have had some Priesthood blessings and because of those I do know that I am going to be okay, that this trial is for a reason.

Easter was this past Sunday. It was fun going to my mom's house seeing everyone and finally seeing her new home. It still has some work to be done but it's looking very nice. The other great part about Easter is remembering that the Savior died for us and that because of His infinite atonement we will all be resurrected to perfected bodies free from pain and illness. That sounds so wonderful to me right now! There is a wonderful short YouTube video about the Atonement. The link is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlc5RvmWN4s

I started pool therapy this week. It is what it sounds like, physical therapy in a pool. The water is kept at 98 degrees and the pool is only 4 feet in depth. It was actually quite nice. I was really sore going into it but after a few minutes of being in the warm water I could feel my muscles relax a bit. Then my therapist made me do exercises so so much for the relaxed muscles! It was tiring but I believe beneficial. I'll be alternating land therapy and pool therapy visits each time I go. The trick I've learned from many sources is that I have to do some exercise every single day. That even skipping one day can be harmful. Not only do you not get better if you don't exercise but you actually get worse. Some days it's much harder than others to get the exercise in, I often have to take a pain killer before hand in order to get through it. I hope with time it will become easier.

The other good news to report is that last week I worked 29.5 hours and this week I'm on track to work 30. 30 is the maximum I'm allowed by my doctor right now. It is very challenging to do this many hours. I have been doing 4 hours at work and 2 more from home each day. That does help as usually by the end of 4 hours (and often before that) I am very sore and need to come home and relax a bit before I can continue to work. I'm grateful that my employer is understanding and allowing me to work through this. Another blessing, or as I like to now use, "Divine Signature". 

I'm hoping for some more of those "good days" ahead. I'm sure they will come, in the mean time, I'll just keep doing what I can do to get better.  

"...Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will ashew to you to day..." Exodus 14:13

I thought this was an appropriate title for my update. I've had a lot of pain these past couple weeks but have seen the hand of the Lord in helping me through it all. I had another appointment with my primary doctor post ER visit. I was worried that it would be another "what can I do for you" visit. Don't get me wrong, I really like my doctor a lot, she was just at the end of being able to help me. I sent out a text to a lot of my friends the morning of the appointment and asked for their prayers that my appointment would be helpful. Prayers were answered! She ended up sending me to a pain clinic at one of the local hospitals. I went there on Monday, more on that later

I was in a lot of pain over the weekend and had to take a lot of meds to get through. I really wanted to go to church on Sunday as it was the last Sunday before my good friend Marcee was moving and she and her husband were singing during Sacrament meeting. They sang beautifully and I'm glad I went, pain notwithstanding. I had a bonus that day as the local Mission President and his wife and youngest daughter were attending my Ward that day too. President and Sister Howell are such amazing and inspiring people. It was a true blessing to be able to see them too.

Back to the medical update; As some of you know my exercise bike broke a couple weeks ago. I've tried unsuccessfully many times to fix it but it's a no- go. It's made it very challenging for me to get exercise in as I often feel very dizzy and unsteady so walking can be very difficult. I've been trying to decide if it was an okay use of my credit card to charge a new bike. I have learned from experience, and many sources, that if I don't exercise every day not only do I not get better but it actually makes the pain worse. I've been looking online for bikes but they are very expensive. I've tried Craig's list and haven't found anything either. Today at work I was looking on our internal website "want adds" and someone just today posted a recumbent bike they were selling for $200. The bike has barely been used. It's in new condition! When I saw that add I felt strongly that it was an answer to a prayer. I get to get the bike on Friday!

I had my very long 2 hour appointment on Monday but it was so worthwhile. The doctor there is sending me to a place called Medical Advanced Pain Specialists (MAPS). They specialize in working with people with chronic pain and the doctor said they have a pain program there that probably 50% of the people that use it have fibromyalgia. They have you see a pain psychologist who helps assess what the affect of the pain has on your life and also what types of non-medicine things I can do; biofeedback or other ways to lessen the pain. You also work with a physical therapist who specializes in working with people in chronic pain. They will then put together a program for you. The doctor said they'll also help with diet and all of that. I'm thinking of the place as a rehab/physical therapy center on steroids! I called Monday afternoon to make my appointments and the person said it would probably be a while before I could get in, especially to the pain psychologist, but when she checked the schedule she was surprised and found an appointment for me just two days later! What's more I can see that person and then there was an opening for the physical therapist immediately after! I don't' think any of these things are just coincidences. I believe there was divine intervention.

The pain doctor also upped my medication that's supposed to dull nerve pain and put me on a new muscle relaxant that will hopefully help my muscles to calm down. I'm not supposed to take that one just as needed but actually take it every day. Hopefully it will have some benefits soon. Anyway, I'm doing well. The pain is not gone, but I know I can get through this. I know that the prayers others have said in my behalf and my own are helping me a lot. I'm very excited to go to MAPS and think it will make a difference for me. Tonight one of my good friends (a Sister Missionary that served in MN) is coming to town and staying with me for a few days. Looking forward to spending some time with her as well.

Movie, General Conference, and the ER

Friday night Donna's kids, minus a sick Lexi, came over and watched Tangled with me. It was a lot of fun. Really good movie and we all had fun laughing at Ellie (13) for crying through several parts of the movie. I would recommend the movie for any who have not yet seen it, beware though as you may need tissues.... :)

Saturday Donna and the three oldest came over along with Marcee and her two little ones and watched the morning session of General Conference with me. It was amazing!! There was a talk by Elder Richards that talked about pain. Here's the link if you want to watch it. http://lds.org/general-conference/watch/2011/04?lang=eng&vid=879844073001&cid=9. I've had lots and lots of friends tell me they thought of me as they watched it. Once the text version of it comes out online I'll probably copy some of the parts I liked the most. Marcee was kind enough to bring over and cook lunch for all of us for in between sessions. Everyone but Donna's kids left then and we stayed and watched the second session. I was having a lot of pain that day and by the time the second session was over I had taken 4 Ultrams (prescription pain killers), 4 extra strength Tylenol, 2 prescription anti-inflammatorys, and 1 muscle relaxant. I was still in pain and had started getting a pretty bad pain on my left side towards the front. Donna picked me and the kids up to take us to the baptisms going on for our Ward. That proved to be a little too painful for me and halfway through I was hurting pretty bad. Donna offered to take me home right then but the thought of getting in her van and having to sit down sounded horrible. At that point anything touching my legs would have hurt too badly. We did leave a little later and I continued to medicate myself throughout the night. Then came Sunday....

Tex picked up a disabled man in our Ward and took him to the chapel while the rest of the family stayed and listened to Conference on the internet. Unknowing to even Donna, Tex then called me and offered to pick me up and take me to their house so I could be with them while listening to it. It was a very nice offer but proved to be even nicer since he didn't stay at home himself and just made the trip to drop me off at his house. I don't remember as much about the Sunday session as my pain was getting worse and worse. In between sessions we just hung out but my pain was increasing and I started getting super sharp pains on the left side of my chest and abdomen. Those sharp pains would last anywhere from 30 seconds to about 5 minutes, at which time I couldn't even talk. It got to the point where Donna asked me if I wanted to go in and after a little while of it getting worse I decided I did. We both missed the second session of Sunday conference. The good thing about going to the ER with severe chest pain that doubles you over is that they take you back right away - no waiting!!! They did tests to make sure I wasn't having a heart attack (I wasn't really concerned about that, I just wanted to make the pain stop!). They drugged me up and put me on muscle relaxants and still with as much medication as they gave me I was still in severe pain. There was nothing else they could do. They made sure I wasn't dying and sent me home with more pain meds.

I seem to keep redefining my "10" on the pain scale every couple weeks here. Not sure what that's about but I'm hoping to not do it anymore. Every time I think of the pain scale I think of the Brian Regan (a comedian) skit of the Emergency Room. It is hilarious!!! I've provided a link for that as well. Makes me laugh every time I watch it. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cP4zgb9H3Cg

I do continue to see many blessings and miracles in my life despite all of this. I've really started to notice the "small" things in life that can just make a difference. A random text from a friend, some quote I see that says just what I need to hear, a hug from a kid. There's other things like a friend coming and cleaning my entire house for me while I was at work. Another friend who drops by a couple times a week to check in and always does a little something while she's there. Others who call me, email me, pray for me, text me, visit me, etc. Those are all true blessings. I've always been grateful for those people and those things but I'm starting to notice more and more of the good things in life. They say when someone goes blind their other senses become more sensitive, I believe that has happened to me in a different sort of sense. I always had some of those things but now that I've lost a lot of ability to do so many things I notice the goodness around me so much more.

Wishing you all a great week!